Mistakes i did in 2023

1. Didn’t take care for of self
   This whole year I kept telling myself that let me settle a bit and then I will look at myself. But it never happened, the settling thing. Eventually I forgot how to take care of myself? Everything got affected. My hair, my skin, my menstrual cycle. I became lazy. I started eating junk. I had chipped lips through out the year due to dehydration. I looked dull than ever. I never got time to comb my hair or even drink water. I would just make an excuse.
   Instead of doing something about it, I just felt pity for myself.
2. Was not grateful enough
   Not at all proud of this. I always kept on complaining to my husband how my life has changed and nothing is what I had wished for. Instead of being thankful that this was actually what I had dreamed of at some point of time I just kept on thinking of all the negative things. Instead, I should have been a little patient and waited for the right time.
3. Wrong goals
   I will tell you the goal. It was to learn next level of cooking. I can do basic cooking so I wanted to upgrade my skills. So I made a list of dishes I wanted to learn and decided to cook them throughout the year. The goal or the target only added on additional pressure on me. It is obvious that with a toddler around, if I dont have time to take care of myself, how am I going to find time for cooking dishes? I took out that pressure on my husband and my daughter affecting their day. I would be left even more exhausted at the end. And if the dish didn’t turn out as expected I was even more disheartened. It was a pointless goal.
4. Didn’t respect my husband and daughter
   This is worst of all. Yes, my husband did change when he went to college with the young boys but didn’t I myself had changed after I joined him in this new place? I argued with him more often and on the same things over and over again. Instead, i should have given him some time to experience the change and then explain to him patiently. It was not like he was running away from the responsibilities. He just didn’t understand my expectations.
   I forgot that my young daughter is observing my behavior. She began to copy me unknowingly. Instead of changing myself, I started scolding her. It felt like we both were growing apart. I forgot that she is just a baby and all she needs is my love. Actually, I felt very lonely and depressed and I didn’t know where to find the love and comfort I needed.
   It was right there, within myself, with my family. I just couldn’t see.
5. Moved away from roots
   If I think of the last year, it was really horrible for me as an individual. All the things that I have mentioned above are so true yet they sound so much not like me. This isn’t really what I want to be. I want to be a loveable and a caring wife and a mother. I dont want my child to have any childhood trauma. I dont want to disrespect my husband, for I know what we both really mean to each other. I dont want to be a junk eater. I dont want to be that dirty mess. But I turned into one.

We are already in the mid of March when I finish writing this post. But I decided to finish it anyway because I can see myself changing. I am able to find the triggers, I am able to see my mistakes. I am able to find the solutions and I an working on them everyday. It has been just few months and there is still long way. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And this year is going to be great. I am going to change. I am going to be me. I am going to make myself proud.